I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
