Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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