i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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