New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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