He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
