this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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