My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
