At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize