I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
