yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
