last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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