GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
and she was petting her beer can
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
