Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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