Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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