Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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