can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
