Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
