You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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