i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
