Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize