I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
