she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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