Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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