I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
