It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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