everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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