There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
4 words: hood of his car
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Less talking, more tequila
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
