Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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