remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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