I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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