Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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