end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
