Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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