I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
