i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize