a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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