She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize