sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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