Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
