Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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