Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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