She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
