I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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