i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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