Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
