I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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