Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
