the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
