Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
did you just send me my own nude
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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