Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He better not be in your backpack
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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