Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
