I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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