Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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