I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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