Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
