They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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