My Higher Power is John Stamos
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
