I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
