To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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