we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
