If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
