last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
