Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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