Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
