And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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