How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
