I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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