Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
